Every so often, someone appears to warn us that if women rely too much on government support, we will collectively forget how marriage works. As though the presence of public assistance causes rings to slide dramatically off fingers. As if Medicaid is standing in a doorway whispering, “You don’t need him anymore.” This argument assumes one extremely important thing: that women must choose between love and infrastructure. Apparently, we cannot have both.
The framing usually goes like this: if the government supports you, you won’t need a husband. And if you don’t need a husband, you won’t want one. And if you don’t want one, the collapse of society is imminent. This suggests marriage and government assistance are competing romantic prospects. Like the government is nervously twirling its hair while a husband clears his throat across the room. But here’s the thing: marriage has never once paved a road, funded a public school, provided unemployment insurance, approved family medical leave, or shown up during a hurricane. My husband is wonderful, but he cannot process a FEMA claim.
Historically, women relied on men not because it was ideal but because it was legally required. Marriage wasn’t just love—it was survival paperwork. For a long time, women couldn’t own property, couldn’t open bank accounts, couldn’t leave marriages easily or safely, and definitely couldn’t say, “I need time to find myself” without serious consequences. If your choices are marry a man or enter poverty immediately, that’s not romance. That’s economic coercion with a lace veil. So when people say, “Women should rely on husbands instead of the government,” what they’re really asking is for women to re-enter a system where dependence was compulsory, not chosen. Pass.
Somewhere along the way, we started talking about public support like it’s a substitute for intimacy. As if a woman wakes up one day and says, “I was hoping for companionship, emotional connection, and mutual respect… but then I received affordable healthcare, and the desire for love completely evaporated.” Government programs do not listen to your feelings, split the mental load, argue about dishes, make you laugh when you’re tired, or hold your hand when you’re scared. A safety net doesn’t replace relationships. It replaces desperation.
People choose better relationships when they aren’t choosing under threat. When you don’t need marriage in order to eat, stay housed, or receive medical care, you can wait, you can choose well, and you can leave if you need to. “You’re with me because you want to be” is a lot more romantic than “You’re with me because my job has health insurance.” A society that supports people doesn’t weaken families—it allows them to form voluntarily instead of under pressure.
And it’s always interesting how this argument singles out women, as if men don’t collect Social Security, don’t use Medicare, don’t rely on veterans benefits, don’t file for unemployment, and don’t enjoy roads, bridges, and electricity. If using public infrastructure makes marriage unnecessary, then we need to have a very serious conversation with every married man who drives on a publicly funded street.
You can want marriage, value partnership, and believe in family, and at the same time support public healthcare, believe in childcare assistance, want labor protections, and support people regardless of marital status. This is not moral confusion. This is understanding that personal relationships and social systems serve different purposes. Your partner is there to love you. Your government is there to make sure no one falls through the cracks. No one is asking one to replace the other.
Wanting government support doesn’t mean you don’t value marriage. Wanting marriage doesn’t mean you want dependence. The government is not my husband. My husband is not my government. One shares life with me. The other makes sure bridges don’t collapse. It’s okay to want both.
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